god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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