The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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