I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
