Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
