I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
