my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
