Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
