we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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