wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
