Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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