I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
