good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Drunk is not a location!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
