Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
