I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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