im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
