I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
