I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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