You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
