Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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