Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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