i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
