I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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