I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
