Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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