or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
