Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My hand turned me down
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
