Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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