i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
