I just saw a hot homeless man
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
