You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
