It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This is classic penis vs brain.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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