he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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