You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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