There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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