So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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