Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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