Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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