If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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