I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
