I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
