Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize