woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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