Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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