I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
