I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
