I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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