just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize