i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
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Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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