When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
