this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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