I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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