Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
