I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
