mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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