Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Im part way to drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
