life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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