i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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