I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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