Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
