Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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