i may or may not be watching the land before time
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
